The National Anthem

He puts the iron down and pulls himself through his warm, crisp pinstripe collared shirt. He's got a nice pair of slacks on, some affordable yet expensive looking square toed shoes that he picked up at an affordable yet expensive looking shop in the city two weeks ago. His hair is gelled, his teeth are white, his undercurrent of rage bubbles away, unrelenting beneath.

Where does he go? Where can possibly satiate his lust for goodtimes? Where can he go to pick up? Where the women bubble with the same rage?

The atmosphere was palpable when for the first time in 6 years I walked past the fast food burger place on Stirling st and entered what I liken to the place God ate some expensive food, pulled down his trousers and squeezed out a fat turd onto Perth.

We had been taken (against our good judgement) to a party in Claremont. This party turned out sour and so a friend and I took our leave and walked down the street to the party area of the illustrious suburb. A man passed in a blur, chased on by another with a police issued baton, girls shreaking and worrying behind them. We walked on.

One bar had a line like it was to get into a ride at Disney land, except the kids are jostling and shouting and beating the shit out of eachother while others attend a nearby hotdog stand that's sole buisness is said line. We walked on.

We went into another bar and began the usual pilgrimage to the bar for drinks. At the bar there was a tender who was the angriest person I have ever seen in the Hostility industry. He couldn't even do his job properly because he was so angry, kept breaking glasses. I don't know about you but I love my drinks served with a side of seething hatred. It's very easy to get pissed off when you work in the Hostility Industry but I worked in it for nearly 4 years and I was never has openly hostile as that young lad before us. After receiving a gin with the least amount of gin I have ever seen. We walked on.

At another bar I spent half an hour talking to two girls who's enquired as to wether I was gay or not. Now I can forgive them for this because I am definately not the most manly man in the history of men. I don't give a shit about cars or football, I like clothes, the arts and have the arms of a 13 year old. But the reason they gave me as to why they thought I was homosexual was not these things. It was because I was enjoying myself, I was outgoing, loud, laughing, generally doing what I do when I am in good company and well oiled with liquor. To me that shows that something is not right in your life if these are your reasons for making assumptions on others sexuality. We walked on.

It's a completely different world to what I experience. These guys and girls are rich and miserable and angry. They go out for a what they brand A Good Time and the result couldn't be further from the truth. Wether they hate their job, their studies, the fact that they are trapped in a predetermined life set forth by their family or themselves. They use alcohol as a means to escape and it only serves as the only release of these emotions. Claremont prides itself as a bastion of good taste and opulence. But beneath the façade is a place uglier and more perilous than other low socio economic suburbs like the ever vilified Balga. A place where boys hang out with boys and girls hang out with girls, conversing only when it serves the need to breed. The fact that I was having a great time with both male and female and fucking laughing and smiling and therefore I must not be interested in females reinforces this statement. Being a miserable cunt must be so in right now. In Claremont's case. I Walked on.

This may sound like a practise in arrogance and over inflated sense of self. But I honestly wasn't expecting to find that in Claremont. Maybe I am too old for my age, if so when did I become such a jaded old bastard stuck in the body of underdeveloped 24 year old? I don't mean to sound this way, I really just don't get it. Something Daniel Kitson said when I saw him MC one night at the Hifi Bar comes to mind and I'm not sure its totally relevant or suitable to sum up with but fuck it. If your boyfriend is an asshole that likes to get in fights then you are just as much of an asshole as he. Because only an asshole wants to hang out with other assholes. So walk on.

15 Step

20 odd shows. 26 nights. 18 odd gigs. 20 good people. Too many litres. Spell check tells me I've spelt litre wrong. I know when I'm right. Except for when I'm wrong in which case I think I'm right until I realise I'm wrong. Stupid American spell check.

I can say that because I am an Australian/American, unlike one comedian I saw at the Hifi who thought that because he lived there once for a year he thinks it's okay for the first thing to leave his mouth when he came out on stage to be "I hate Americans. Who here hates Americans?" to which a gaggle of ignorant morons reply with woots and yeahs. It would be a completely different story if he came out and said "I hate Jews. Who here hates Jews?" I'm not saying that Jews have it sweet but to come out on stage and the first thing that you expound to the audience is "I hate Americans" says to me that you have some mighty fine blinders on. After all, whether you like it or not people we are America Lite. The fact that I sit here typing this with a Krispy Kreme doughnut by my side only serves to reinforce my statement. It's not as though by saying this I am advocating the outrageous violations to both basic Human rights and decency that the United States has and will commit. All I am saying is that in 100 years people will look back with mouths a gasp and fists clenched at the US and we will be right there beside it. This notion that Australians are somewhat better, holier, less to blame than our American counterparts is true only in our fiction loving minds. We followed the President like we followed the Queen into Gallipoli and for that ladies and gentlemen we can only blame ourselves and those bodies which represent us. It is a sad fact that Internationally, Australians are becoming social pariahs just as much as our annoying soya mocha latte decaff with a twist Yankee brothers and sisters. But no. It's so much easier to hate than to acknowledge that we are becoming more and more similar ever day and try to make a change from there. But it's so much easier.

When it boils down to it, it's just plain racist. It's just us and them. Which is awesome. It makes me proud to be Human. If you're not part of the problem you're part of the bigger nastier all encompassing problem that will ensure the ultimate destruction of us all. "I'm not racist. I love black people. But I fucken' hate Americans"

One more night. 3 more shows. 20 good people. Too many litres.
A long way to go.