...right in the Sipowicz!

"Short term he oughtta settle for getting his head out of his ass."
-Andy Sipowicz, NYPD Blue.

The tea house lay on the corner of Fleet street and Harley. A block and a half down from apartment fifteen of two hundred and thirty four of the same long street and seemed to be made entirely of wood. The weather boards clothing the portly warren and sealing away the brick foundation from the public. Tarquin was a regular and would always try to act like one even though Chirpy Waitress thought that Tarquin wanted her every time he ordered at the counter. I want her. He felt that the added tension of her knowing that he wanted her and him knowing she knew he wanted her left a particular strain on the waitress/regular customer interaction thus making it difficult for him to relax his anus. When Tarquin got tense, his anus would too. That was the typical Tarquin/anus interaction. Am I tense because my anus is tense or is my anus tense because I'm tense?

How many times did I just think of the word anus just then? Five times? Is that too much? I think there might be something wrong with me.

"Sorry I'm late" the voice broke Tarquin from his worry and sat down opposite him. "Check out that waitress I'd totally tap that huh?" the voice talked at Tarquin as it took off it's coat and scarf. "Does she make you tense your asshole?"
"Shut the fuck up" hissed Tarquin "I wish I'd never fucking told you about that" leaning into the centre of the small table, a mix of ply wood and old milk crates glued and nailed together, a beacon to the theory that anyone label even the shittiest of things trendy. "You are such a cunt. I forgot how much of a cunt you are" Everytime Tarquin would throw the 'C' Word at the other side of the fusion of MDF and old Brownes' crates he would clench his teeth and take it off voice making it seem as though he was both allergic to something and mildly retarded.
"You're doing that allergic retard thing again do you realise this? I can't believe you still do that I thought you grew out of it after the shit I gave you in school?"
Tarquin took a breath and leant back into his chair, it was, like all the other chairs completely unique, the entire tea house looked like it had been requisitioned from countless estate auctions of countless dead little old ladies.

Before Tarquin could retaliate, the voice made a a pre-emptive strike onward "...never mind about that come on now listen I need some help here I met this girl and she seemed real nice but it turned out she was a bit of a junkie and one time you wouldn't believe this one time I was sleeping over at her place and I woke up the next morning and she was gone man like you wouldn't believe this she was totally gone like fucking disappeared but get a load of this like she totally stole my wallet it's fucking unbelievable..." Tarquin lifted his hand to the voice's face "Osric please. How much do you need?"

My anus is tense.